What The Health. . .

Saturday June 27, 2026

Dear Universe, 

Life has definitely made me start thinking what the hell am I doing.... In a way I feel as though I am being forced into a new chapter. This new chapter seems to favorite negatives more than positives. Maybe that's why I am utilizing this space to figure out how the hell I can improve my time that's left here on this humbling earth. 

I am 38 years old and have spent the last 5 years struggling on and off with alcohol. I actually never thought I had a problem. Sometimes I wonder if my easily persuadable mind has succumbed to other peoples opinions. Others would say I am in denial. Honestly I have no fucking clue. What I do know is that I have lost the majority of my family due to disagreements around drinking. Now before I say anymore I will say this is a topic that makes me feel defensive as fuck. I say that because to this actual day I STILL BELIEVE that I did nothing extreme to cause my sisters to stop talking to me. The whole story will come out sooner or later. Not sure if I have the capacity in this moment to go through it all. I do think getting it out on paper will prove something beneficial... right? 

I digress. I am 38 and feel 58. I think I love long distance running. Lately, though it just feels like another chore I need to cross off my to do list. I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. I do my best to not let those diagnoses choose how I want to live my life. Running is painful now. I am always so sore even after several days of rest or light aerobic training. I was supposed to run 8 miles today and I honestly have no desire. My plan is to do the run tomorrow morning. Weightloss has been a never ending battle regardless of how much I run. My hair is thinning, and my lust for life well is lacking ....alot..... 

I do my best to not drink during the week. Sometimes that slips but it never gets to the point where I am drunk and disorderly. Its one mini shooter here and one there. My intention I guess pain relief. Pain from all the grief of loosing my family as well as physical pain from fibromyalgia. 

I guess I just want to be healthier. I want more for my life than just taking care of my kiddos, cleaning the house, and running. I want more but I feel so exhausted all of the time with little to no desire to start or try something new. I just want to feel OK again. I don't need perfect, no that's impossible. I just want to feel less pain, more desire for living life and to feel healthy and confident in my own skin. 

In a lot of ways I am seeing that I am in a fork in the road. I can keep living in pain and wallowing in depression or I can say FUCK YOU - I WANT MORE! The question is how do I start. I used to be so good at the health stuff. I guess the answer to the question is I am starting here. It's not easy to write hard shit. At least for me its something that I always could never maintain because writing uncomfortable truths makes me have to feel those truths that I push down way deep. So this is a start yeah? I will be back with an update to see if I did indeed do my 8 miles tomorrow. Also I am going to keep opening up about my personal issues, growth and setbacks. 

Thanks for hearing me, makes me feel like I am never alone.